


my city's still breathing (but barely, it's true)

by whataboutmycape



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Potential Triggers, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-16
Updated: 2013-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-26 18:26:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/968858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whataboutmycape/pseuds/whataboutmycape
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sid doesn't change in the locker room with the rest of the guys.</p>
            </blockquote>





	my city's still breathing (but barely, it's true)

**Author's Note:**

> i am really sorry for just like, clogging up the archive with my posts. i've been spending some time on imagineyourotp which is never a good idea, and now i've got plot ideas all over the place. i don't even know. 
> 
> there are potential triggers in this story for self harm. a main character does harm themselves, and there is a description of wounds and utensil used. 
> 
> (i feel the need to clarify, the first * represents a major time skip. the others really don't. the first one skips a few years, so just keep that in mind)

Sid doesn’t change in the locker room with the rest of the guys. 

He never has, not while Geno’s been around, anyway, and no one ever really questions it. They’re used to Sid’s weird ticks, they just leave him be. 

Before practice or a game, he arrives at the rink and goes into the bathrooms. He changes into his underarmor and pants there, then shows face in the locker room and gears up. He talks with the guys a little bit, then gives his captain speech if he feels the need for one, and then they’re off to the ice and ready to go. 

Geno asked Gonch about it, once, when he was still new and couldn’t carry a conversation in English on his own yet. Sergei had just shrugged, though, and said, “Sidney’s weird. What does it matter?” So Geno just let it drop and didn’t wonder about it anymore. 

*

The game that night is fuck awful. In the locker room after, Geno drops down on the bench in front of his stall and sighs. He doesn’t reach to start taking anything off, doesn’t unlace his skates or even unclip his helmet. He just sits, and goes over all the fuck-ups that just occurred. Sid runs by him, already out of his skates and heading to the showers. He’s the only one, everyone else still unstrapping gear and pulling off jerseys. 

Geno still doesn’t move. 

Sid doesn’t take long showers, never does, and is out of there in 2 minutes tops. He’s got a ratty t-shirt on and a towel wrapped around his waist and he grabs his suit before quickly making his way to the bathroom. Geno watches him go, feels like he should talk to him, but he still doesn’t move. 

By the time Sid comes back, Coach is there, calling them out on everything and yelling at them to be better. Geno’s got his skates, helmet, and jersey off, but he’s still in the rest of his gear. Sid’s ready to go, dressed in his suit already. He would be out of the arena, if it weren’t for the media. 

That thought makes Geno start changing a little quicker. He shoves into his post-game suit and ducks the press scrum, begging off any of the stray reporters trying to question him. He turns and tries to catch Sid, but he doesn’t manage to. It seems he’s done with the media, too, and he’s already left the locker room. 

Geno hopes to catch him in the hallway, but Sid must have fucking sprinted to the parking garage or something because there’s no sign of him. 

Sighing, Geno just makes his way outside. He really did want to talk to Sid, to make sure he was alright. He knows how Sid can get about bad games. 

When he makes it to his car, Geno’s already got a half-formed plan in his head. He alters his usual post-game route in his head and starts the engine. 

*

Sid is a sucker for Thai food, something Geno learned when they were on IR together. There’s a place halfway between Mario’s and the rink that Sid loves, so Geno stops by and orders for the both of them. He figures Sid went straight home, and knows after a lose like that food is the last thing on his mind. 

By now, Geno knows the way to Mario’s house by heart. He could probably drive it blindfolded. Somewhere along the line, he and Sid started spending a lot of time together. He doesn’t really know what started it, but he’s just glad it happened. 

It was a bit too much at first- at the time, Geno had been trying to come to terms with the giant crush he was harboring on his Captain. (There was another freakout when he realized how much more than a crush it was, but that’s another story.) He thought for sure that Sidney would figure him out, and that would be it. He’d be the team outcast. 

That was, of course, before he realized how feeling inept Sidney is. He really doesn’t know why he was worried much in the first place. Sidney can be pretty oblivious sometimes. 

Geno pulls up to the house and quietly takes the bags out of the back. He thinks about stopping by the main house to tell Mario and Natalie that he’s over, but decides against it. If need be he can tell them later, he just really wants to sit on the couch with Sid and eat Thai and watch shitty reality TV. If he’s honest, those are some of the moments in his life he likes best. Not that he’d ever tell anyone that. 

Sid gave him a key to the guest house a while ago, for when he was too lazy to get up and let him in. Geno teased him about it, and Sid whined, but he took the key happily. He has to put the bags down to pull it out and unlock the door. He pushes it open and grabs them again, stepping inside and then toeing the door closed. 

There’s no noise coming from the living room, which is odd, since Sid is almost always slumped over on the couch watching House Hunters after a bad loss. Geno just shrugs, and heads into the kitchen to put the bags down. Maybe Sid’s in there. 

He isn’t. Geno feels a little uneasy, but he doesn’t know why. Sid’s just… in the bathroom, or something. Definitely. 

He waits a little bit, unpacking the food on the Island. There’s no sound throughout the whole house except for the bag in his hands rustling. Geno decides to just go look for Sid, walking out of the kitchen and calling his name. 

Geno looks through the first floor- the living room, kitchen, bathroom, pantry, backroom- and doesn’t see Sid anywhere. There’s a frown on his face. It’s a little worrying, if he’s honest. 

Starting up the stairs, he calls Sid’s name again. He thinks he might hear the sound of a door shutting, so he starts to take the steps two at a time. Sid isn’t in his bedroom. The door to the bathroom is almost all the way closed, but there is a little bit of light peeking out from under it. Geno walks closer. 

He thinks he might hear someone crying, but he isn’t sure. If they are, it’s very muffled and quiet, almost like they’re trying to stop themselves from sobbing. Geno’s heart aches at the sound. The closer to the bathroom, the louder it gets, and Geno feels his stomach sink as he thinks about what could be wrong. 

When he gets to the door, Geno pushes it open slowly. He takes a step inside, and gasps at what he sees. 

“Sid…” 

Geno’s heart clenches, and he hears a hitched sob. He can see Sid’s shoulders shaking in front of him, see Sid’s tears stained face in the mirror in front of him, can see… 

He can see the switchblade in Sidney’s hand, the angry red lines dug into his hip bones. He can see the bright red staining Sid’s pale skin, droplets rolling down his thighs, pooling for a second in the back of his knees before they drip off and splatter onto the beige tile below. He can see all of the scars. He thinks a bit hysterically that this is the first time he’s ever seen Sidney shirtless. 

Geno’s heart hurts, because he can see all of the scars, can see all of the times Sidney needing someone and he wasn’t there;he can see the red gashes, the time when Sidney needed someone and he didn’t get there fast enough. He can see the tears rolling down Sidney’s cheeks, can see the time where he needs Geno and he is here. He stumbles forward, wrapping his long arms around Sidney’s middle and pulling him backwards into Geno. He buries his face in Sid’s neck and whispers to him in Russian all the things he’s too scared or isn’t allowed to say in English. 

He feels Sidney relax into him, and he slowly lifts one arm. He drags his right hand down Sidney’s right arm, fingers featherlight against his skin, trailing down down down until they bump against Sid’s own, curled around plastic and metal and broken ideas. Geno covers Sid’s hand with his own, watching his face carefully while he does so. He slowly gets Sidney to let go of the blade, and takes it in his own hand. Geno flicks the blade back into it’s plastic casing and drops it to the ground. 

Sid’s breath hitches again, and Geno wraps his arm back around Sid’s stomach and shushes him. He watches the mirror closely, watches the wounds on Sid’s hips to make sure they aren’t bleeding anymore and watches Sidney’s face to make sure he’s okay. They don’t talk, but they don’t need to. 

Geno shifts Sidney carefully. He spins Sid so that they are face to face, and bumps their foreheads together gently. Sid gives him a small, inkling of a smile. Geno pulls away, but doesn’t go far, just moves to root around in the cabinets for a first aid kit, or something of the sort. 

When he finds one, shoved all the way in the back, behind a box of cotton swabs, Geno sets in the floor. He grabs one of the hand towels hanging next to the sink and wets it. Holding the towel in his hand, he carefully kneels on the floor in front of Sidney. The tile is horrible on his knees, but he doesn’t know how else to treat Sidney’s cuts. He doesn’t want him to sit and have his skin tug like that and reopen them. 

Now that he’s pretty much eye level with them, he’s able to better assess the wounds. There are three straight lines above each of Sidney’s hip, each one about three inches long, deep but not deep enough to warrant stitching. 

Geno’s careful when he brings up the towel to wipe off the excess blood. He tries to be gentle, and not to tug at the skin around the cuts. Sidney is quiet while he does it, watching him and chewing on his bottom lip. After he finishes both sides he holds the towel in his hand for a moment, not know where to put it. 

“Hope you not like too much,” He says eventually, leaning back to toss it in the garbage bin next to the sink. There is no saving that towel, the stains would have already set in. It would take intense scrubbing to get anywhere even remotely close to getting them out. 

Sid lets out a startled laugh, and Geno smiles in victory. He looks up, and meets Sid’s eyes. They still look pretty sad, but there’s a shine of happiness in them that he’s proud to have put there. 

“No, not particularly,” Sid says, then, and Geno’s confused before he remembers. Oh, right. The towel. Geno smiles and says, “Good,” before reaching back into the first aid kit. 

He comes back with hydrogen peroxide and cotton swabs, and Sid flinches when he sees them. Geno feels his heart break all over again. 

“Is okay, Sid,” He says, and rubs up and down his sides, trying to make him relax again. Sid gets a hand on his shoulder and squeezes, hard, before taking a deep breath and saying, “Okay. Okay, it’s okay.” 

Geno grits his teeth and gets to work. 

* 

Disinfecting takes a bit longer than Geno had hoped, mostly because Sid kept trying to squirm away. Every time he did Geno’s heart would sink a little bit more and he’d feel just that little bit worse about what he was doing, but then he’d remember it was just to make sure Sid is okay and he’d reluctantly swab at a wound again and then the cycle would repeat. 

Eventually, though, Sid’s hips are clean and bandaged and his eyes don’t look so red rimmed anymore and he’s breathing normally. Geno smiles up at him, still on his knees, and Sid gives him a small smile in return and sticks out a hand to help him out. 

Geno shakes his head, though, and Sid looks confused before Geno does take his hand and threads their fingers together. He shuffles forwards, and his free hand goes up to cup Sid’s newly bandaged hip. He looks up and catches Sid’s eye as he leans forward and places butterfly kisses over each of the bandages. He kisses each scar he sees near them, and slowly works his way up. He kissing the ones on Sid’s belly, the ones on his sides. He kisses the ones up the middle of his chest, and when he’s standing, he kisses the ones on Sidney’s shoulders. He kisses the ones close to Sidney’s neck. He kisses all of Sid’s scars, and holds his hand while he does it, squeezing back every time Sidney squeezes his. 

When Geno’s done, he bumps their foreheads together again. There’s another place he wants to kiss, but he isn’t sure if he’s allowed to, so he waits. He doesn’t have to wait long, though, because Sid does catch on quick some days and it seems like today is one of those days. The second Geno stops kissing him, Sid leans up and kisses him, presses their lips together, finally, and it’s just so, so good. Geno never wants it to end, never wants to let Sid go. 

Sid smiles at him. Geno’s always been a goner for that smile. 

"We're okay,"

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if this is horrible. i didn't want to look at it in my drafts anymore.
> 
>  
> 
> title of this is from Left and Leaving by the Weakerthans


End file.
